PASTARDS

During my last cooking class (as a teacher btw) I had a group of lovely Australian teenagers asking me one haunting question: why does pasta come in different shapes? And what's the difference?

The culinary explanation was straightforward: each shape is suitable for different sauces. You wouldn't serve penne with seafood, it would look a little fragmented, like a Guernica...too many separate pieces. Penne have a deep hole to capture saucy sauces. While Spaghetti dance around pieces of lobsters pretty well. Then there are regional specialities like Strozzapreti (literally:"priests chockers) and traditionally they go with Pesto- evidently a blasfeme option.

While describing the technicalities of pasta, I had a sudden thought.

Dear young ladies: pasta types are like men types.

You have the Penne man, the passionate type that will hold you and retain the perfume of your skin, the words you say, the cuddles you give. But he can be a little possessive, the sauce gets trapped in the hole and it can get heavy on the stomach.

You have the Spaghetti man, straight and full of principles. He will bend only for the right girl, ehm, sauce. It has to be tasty, expensive and a little stuck up. The Spaghetti men are also easy to over cook or break...

The Lasagna man lets everyone in. He has had layers and layers of creamy women. You are not going to be the first and probably, not the last. And then again, do you want to eat Lasagnas everyday?

We could also consider gnocchi, even though they are made of potatoes. They are superficial creatures that are cooked in 2 minutes and submerge on the boiling water like floating devices.

They are soft and deceiving. And they make you extremely fat. You will always regret a Gnocchi man.

Then I was suddenly interrupted.

Teacher, you are so wise. How long have you been cooking pasta for?

Probably for too long.

Tomorrow, let's do fish.